Funny... while growing up (and by growing up, I mean in the most literal sense... not like that of a child into an adult... but that of a person finding out their truest identities and who they want to really be.) I found myself to become resilient and compassionate. A trait many people have seen that side of, yet I think nothing of it.
Until now.
A Lifetime ago I remember happier more carefree days of summers in my side yard playing in the creek and then jumping into the pool. Catching fireflies in the evening, play kick the can and eat cole slaw chilled to perfection with a big slice of cool firm and juicy watermelon, you know the kind... the one where the sweet burst of Summertime Bliss was served on the rind and was so sweet that every time you smell the perfect one, your mouth waters. Summer camp, Softball, 4th of July and hanging out with friends. We were told to be home when it gets dark or when the street lights came on. We were told to, "Go outside.... use your imagination..." ~ And we did.
My backyard was my haven. My fortress, my playground, my exploration filled days and mystery solving curious nature were fed deep in those woods. That was a part of me back in time where I would skin my knee, climb a tree, put my barbie in a metal mailbox with a cherry bomb and relish in the bang and giggle at my mischief... (really?? ok, so I was a bit of a trouble maker.... who hasn't done one really foolish thing as a child (or adult) but looked back and reference that story throughout your life... cause it meant something "innocent" to you as a child... naive and curious).
But that was a lifetime ago...
Other references that get brought up throughout this fun ride called life... People who have come and gone, be it grandparents, a friend, a pet, a boyfriend or your own mother. No matter how the "loss" happened... death, ran away (pet or boyfriend) or a greedy selfish behemoth of a nemesis like cancer... of ANY kind, that you have to, process, mourn (in whatever way "YOU" feel most comfortable and at your own rate.. because lets be realistic, we are all different and don't know how we will handle things until we go through them) and then try to continue on with, LIFE.
Some of the aforementioned were decades ago, while some are still present.
6 months ago today. Has it really been half a YEAR? That doesn't quite compute to me. Granted, we made the best with the time we had. Although I couldn't be there as often as I wanted...
In a way, that feels like yesterday. Hearing the phone ring and being jarred out of bed because I just knew somehow this was the call. And I was right.
But a Lifetime Ago, I started on a new journey... that of Motherhood. I would soon come to realize that the most challenging of days were ahead of me. How can one go through what is supposed to be the most beautiful time of my life... one that I should treasure and learn from, to the harsh reality that death is knocking at the door and it is asking for your own mother.
A lifetime ago I grew up. But had to recently do it again. Throughout it all I opened up to the world and began blogging or making status updates on Facebook as a way to process. I wasn't going to counselling, my family lived far away and those I considered family anyway were here, with me, following me and giving me advice. Some of it taken, some of it thought deeply about and some of it laughed at... but in a good way. I never really knew that some of what I was going through was "relate-able" to others.
Writing things down and sharing was a way for me to get thoughts outta my head so I could go on the next day without the fear of going nuts cause I was dealing with two major life events at once. It seemed like a Lifetime Ago that I was flying back East to be with my Mom when we found out she had Cancer almost a YEAR to today's date and hearing the word "terminal"... But I was 3 months pregnant...
A year... really? Ugh
I have realized that "time" as we know it... really truly is short. How cliche huh?
Yet 24 weeks ago that cliche came to mean so much more. Since life is short... I have been relishing every moment with my son Chase. Someone whom every day amazes me and makes me smile. Someone who teaches me even more patience... someone who teaches me that love is something earned cause when you feel the real thing... there is no other feeling like it in the world.
A lifetime ago I dreamed of being a mother... and now it came true. There is a part of me that is scared to death. "Am I doing it right?" "Am I any good?" "What the hell just happened?"
No longer do I have the privilege to call up my mom and ask her these "Mother/Daughter" type of questions.
But don't you for one minute think that has stopped me from asking her anyway... here, in the moment, when I feel I need help. I ask her all the time.
Recently she answered. In the form of a heart left behind on my windshield encircled in a tear.
Yep, that just happened. And I knew... she was watching and was proud.
Since then, I have felt more "relief" and can start getting back to my current "Lifetime".
There are many people who have come into my life for certain reasons, and no matter if we speak everyday or once in a blue moon... I appreciate you and thank you for being a rock for me to rest upon while facing "Life".
I am truly humbled by the support. I will continue to pay that support forward to others so that when Chase grows up... he can tell stories of his mother from a lifetime ago to his own children.
