In the past 3+ years I've been raising a little human. Someone who, as a little human, rules my home and my heart. He keeps me smiling, laughing and yes... Although there are times I wanna lock myself in a room and scream in frustration... I look upon his wild eyes and feel the undisputed love spilling from them and I melt and forget any 3 year old drama that has been spewing from him.
Having a child arrive in the world at almost the exact same time as the passing of my mother has been confusing to say the least. I see my son and equate almost every single right of passage or special moment into, "Well, mom missed out on that one" or any birthday with, "Well, it's been exactly 3 years since she died". It's difficult not to put the two side by side because they happened so closely in my life's timeframe. Not all of these are sad or bad recollections... Just a pause of reflection I guess. Will I always do that? Who knows, but I'm guessing yes.
There are days that are better than others. Days when I tell stories about my mom and laugh and laugh and laugh. Or a song comes on the radio and I chuckle cause it's Elvis, and my mom hated him which causes me to crank it just to see if lightning will strike somewhere nearby. Then there are moments, like tonight... Where my mind is thinking about one thing as I'm drifting off to sleep and I have no idea that my mind will completely derail itself and I suddenly and remembering when that phone call came in the early morning hours where I had to say my final I love you's thru the phone. Pregnant, crying, waiting to be told she took her final breath and is gone. Why the sudden derailment in my mind? For fucks sake I was thinking about my shopping list for tomorrow and woke up crying due to the flashback. Ugh....
I don't know if moments like this are when the dearly departed are fucking with us or not. "Hey, she's about to fall asleep.... Let's enter her mind and rouse her for a minute"
(Which now turns into coming downstairs to lay on the couch to blog until the wee hours of the morning because the mind will not shut off thank you very much)
There are times I see my son catch me being distant. Catching me at the very moment I'm thinking about my mom and I can't help but wonder if at that exact moment his intuition is picking up on my mom hanging around somewhere. The kid IS freaking smart and it would not surprise me if he did somehow know when she's around. They do have a crazy connection to begin with.
I start to wonder if these times when I can't turn my mind off, or my mind gets sidetracked when I didn't mean for it to... If they are signs that mom is around. I'm a firm believer in "visits" as she has already proved to be around on a handful of occasions anyway... But when the feeling is so raw, like the moment I got that phone call... Tonight it felt like that call just came. I had the lump in my throat, my chest was heaving, tears stung my eyes and immediately spilled from my eyes like 10 gallons of paint in a 5 gallon bucket. I had to rip the sheets back and get out of bed before my crying woke up my husband. The feeling was so true, so real... Like it just happened. I don't understand how some days can be THAT confusing and painful while others are "normal". Ugh...
It's almost like sitting in those stupid tea cups at Disney... They spin and spin and while the world around you starts to blur... You know that time is moving just the same. Yet you in the cup seem to be sitting still while the world around you spins. Sometimes those cups make you giggle, sometimes they upset your stomach to the point you wanna hurl. Either way, when the ride stops... Time moves on but you are left dizzy and unstable. It always takes a while for you to regain your composure.
Currently I feel like I wanna hurl... And now I can't get back to sleep. Even if I try to turn my mind off... I'll still think of my mom. Even if I try to think about something else... It'll sneak back in. I just wish I knew what the "message" was so I can get some rest. I do have a three year old to attend to tomorrow.
