Timelines & Deadlines...

In this day and age we seriously are lacking in the use of our imaginations, and what"s worse, our children are that way too... if not more so. With so much technology, it is super simplistic in our hectic lives that we are on auto pilot and throw our toddlers in front of the TV to be utilized as our baby sitter for the short time being that we need so that we can actually accomplish something mundane as to start a load of laundry, do some dishes, or even go to the bathroom. Sadly though, I know more and more of us are sitting on iPads, smartphones or catching up on at least 1 DVR's season of ANYTHING we can to feel like we know whats goin "on in the world"... really?.... REALLY??



(facepalm)

ok... so I have been guilty of this too. You are completely full of shit if you say that you haven't done this (Or something pretty darn similar).

In life there seem to be an awful lot of rules. When did we become so selfish and immersed in technology and the "fads"... and dismiss the world around us. Granted... I am a Facebook junkie and I know I spend a lot of time on it. I feel like I am Auto Recording "Life" as it unfolds for a few reasons. None of you except my very best friend and sister, Michele, know that my Mother's parents suffered from Dementia and Alzheimer's. Even though it was my Grandma who went into a nursing home first, it turned out that it was my very proud and very German Grandpa Walter who suffered deeper and closeted it very well while he continued to live at home and go about "Life" as he thought that reality entailed. (Which included trying to break out my Grandma from the Nursing home and bring her back home) I kid to my husband about it all the time... I have that "gene". Be gentle with my mind and if I re-tell a story for the hundredth time, or forget that I have already asked you a question and forgotten the answer. I know that one day I will suffer the same fate as my Grandparents. For years it has already been happening and a lot of it I know is Psychological which I am "blanking on" intentionally as a defense mechanism within my own mind to keep myself from facing certain things which are too painful like... the 2 rapes I have endured. One from someone I knew and the other that bad scenario in a dark parking lot outside a crowded mall and no one did anything about my cries for help. Yeah... a LOT of that I black out and I am just now able to get thru a night without a nightmare. The breast cancer diagnosis of my Mother in 1997, only a month after we buried both my Grandparents who passed from Alzheimer's. The diagnosis again of the fatally aggressive Ovarian Cancer while I was 3 months pregnant. And then her death 2 weeks prior to Chase being born. There are all parts of those events in my life that I have blanked out on intentionally in order to replace it with, "In the Now" memories. Why hold onto the bad shit and harp on it... let it go. The only problem with blocking out the bad is... when there is more of it than "Good" in your life... you miss out on a litany of events like clubbing with your best friend, studying for exams, beach-side moments as a family during the summer, cross country drives at Christmas to the Grandparents house. I have lost a lot of those moments in my life and it is very hard to remember certain things. So yes... back to task here, I am very active on a social networking website documenting LIFE with my son, my husband, the death of my mother, the dealings with loss and hating cancer and all it has destroyed. I use Facebook as a real life Timeline (as everyone still struggles with the Timeline we just switched over to on that site). I know that I won't remember what happened... I fear if I don't document life... I will forget about it... and I want to live to my fullest and enjoy those moments with my son. This is one of the few times I am privileged to be living in this time of technology so that I CAN look back when I need to remember. 

I still am struggling with the passing of my mother and the last year has been very eye opening to say the least. It is still confusing as hell and there are still so many questions left unanswered, but I deal with those emotions as they happen and try to go easy on myself and remind myself that it is a process.... one that no one processes the same way. In this hectic life we live and hurry thru... when did we place a deadline on mourning? A few of my friends recently have gone thru traumatic losses of loved ones leaving them too soon, or tragically taken in accidents. We all handle the stresses of loss and the hole it leaves in different ways. Some clam up, shut down and are withdrawn. Some fall into deep depressions. Some laugh and learn and try to move on. Then there are the masses who in many ways are your savior and downfall in the same breath. (don't take that wrong)

There are friends and family who say, "We are here for you, just call if you need anything" and when you call they flake or don't know how to handle being around you anymore cause you have "changed" (in the sense that you are withdrawn and who knows what to say to someone who is grieving) . But in the same breath out of nowhere comes a card, an email, a simple text that inquires how you are doing even if a good chunk of a year has gone by but wants to check in on your mental health and ask. Cause don't get me wrong... we all have done it... we have offered, been there, offered condolences and then fade in the background cause we feel too much time has passed to bring up the "sad days" and fear that if we do bring them up, it opens us up to "feelings". When did we put such an emphasis on the "Deadline" for mourning being over? 

I hope that people know the difference between caring and being human... and emoting real feelings and giving of your soul as compared to finding a "babysitter" cause we are too busy to handle "Life" as it comes to us... raw and full of hurt and pain... love and light. I don't want to be the one who makes you feel uncomfortable in asking me things... laughing with me is my goal... learning more about humanity while keeping in touch with who you are meant to be. I am still learning that lesson and I change all the time... yet one thing remains constant as I learn... Standing up for myself is important... standing BY someone is even more important. I am lucky enough to have some pretty amazing people who genuinely stand by my side. 

Life is short... feelings and love are free... share them.

I have lessened the TV time on our house and am more involved with Chase... especially now that he is more mobile the playtime is all over the place in our house and we just don't sit still very much. Lots of stories being told and imaginations used... lots of walks outside and exploration around this big world for Chase is eye opening to me too... reminding me to slow down and LIVE. (And if the dishes sit dirty in the sink for 12 hours... so be it. Get to living people!!)

I hope that my life through my posts... my humor... my pictures... I hope they make you smile and artistically give you an eye into my life. I document for me as much as I do for you... in the hopes that I can look back over them in a few years and find myself grinning. Sometimes what I post isn't pretty, life can get that way though... right? I'll try to keep it real... but don't think I won't still post some humor. It's who I am.

A Lifetime Ago...

Funny... while growing up (and by growing up, I mean in the most literal sense... not like that of a child into an adult... but that of a person finding out their truest identities and who they want to really be.) I found myself to become resilient and compassionate. A trait many people have seen that side of, yet I think nothing of it.

Until now.

A Lifetime ago I remember happier more carefree days of summers in my side yard playing in the creek and then jumping into the pool. Catching fireflies in the evening, play kick the can and eat cole slaw chilled to perfection with a big slice of cool firm and juicy watermelon, you know the kind... the one where the sweet burst of Summertime Bliss was served on the rind and was so sweet that every time you smell the perfect one, your mouth waters. Summer camp, Softball, 4th of July and hanging out with friends. We were told to be home when it gets dark or when the street lights came on. We were told to, "Go outside.... use your imagination..." ~ And we did.

My backyard was my haven. My fortress, my playground, my exploration filled days and mystery solving curious nature were fed deep in those woods.  That was a part of me back in time where I would skin my knee, climb a tree, put my barbie in a metal mailbox with a cherry bomb and relish in the bang and giggle at my mischief... (really?? ok, so I was a bit of a trouble maker.... who hasn't done one really foolish thing as a child (or adult) but looked back and reference that story throughout your life... cause it meant something "innocent" to you as a child... naive and curious).

But that was a lifetime ago...

Other references that get brought up throughout this fun ride called life... People who have come and gone, be it grandparents, a friend, a pet, a boyfriend or your own mother. No matter how the "loss" happened... death, ran away (pet or boyfriend) or a greedy selfish behemoth of a nemesis like cancer... of ANY kind, that you have to, process, mourn (in whatever way "YOU" feel most comfortable and at your own rate.. because lets be realistic, we are all different and don't know how we will handle things until we go through them) and then try to continue on with, LIFE.

Some of the aforementioned were decades ago, while some are still present.

6 months ago today. Has it really been half a YEAR? That doesn't quite compute to me. Granted, we made the best with the time we had. Although I couldn't be there as often as I wanted...

In a way, that feels like yesterday. Hearing the phone ring and being jarred out of bed because I just knew somehow this was the call. And I was right.

But a Lifetime Ago, I started on a new journey... that of Motherhood. I would soon come to realize that the most challenging of days were ahead of me. How can one go through what is supposed to be the most beautiful time of my life... one that I should treasure and learn from, to the harsh reality that death is knocking at the door and it is asking for your own mother.

A lifetime ago I grew up. But had to recently do it again. Throughout it all I opened up to the world and began blogging or making status updates on Facebook as a way to process. I wasn't going to counselling, my family lived far away and those I considered family anyway were here, with me, following me and giving me advice. Some of it taken, some of it thought deeply about and some of it laughed at... but in a good way. I never really knew that some of what I was going through was "relate-able" to others.

Writing things down and sharing was a way for me to get thoughts outta my head so I could go on the next day without the fear of going nuts cause I was dealing with two major life events at once. It seemed like a Lifetime Ago that I was flying back East to be with my Mom when we found out she had Cancer almost a YEAR to today's date and hearing the word "terminal"... But I was 3 months pregnant...

A year... really? Ugh

I have realized that "time" as we know it... really truly is short. How cliche huh?

Yet 24 weeks ago that cliche came to mean so much more. Since life is short... I have been relishing every moment with my son Chase. Someone whom every day amazes me and makes me smile. Someone who teaches me even more patience... someone who teaches me that love is something earned cause when you feel the real thing... there is no other feeling like it in the world.

A lifetime ago I dreamed of being a mother... and now it came true. There is a part of me that is scared to death. "Am I doing it right?"  "Am I any good?"  "What the hell just happened?"
No longer do I have the privilege to call up my mom and ask her these "Mother/Daughter" type of questions.
But don't you for one minute think that has stopped me from asking her anyway... here, in the moment, when I feel I need help. I ask her all the time.

Recently she answered. In the form of a heart left behind on my windshield encircled in a tear.

Yep, that just happened. And I knew... she was watching and was proud.

Since then, I have felt more "relief" and can start getting back to my current "Lifetime".

There are many people who have come into my life for certain reasons, and no matter if we speak everyday or once in a blue moon... I appreciate you and thank you for being a rock for me to rest upon while facing "Life".

I am truly humbled by the support. I will continue to pay that support forward to others so that when Chase grows up... he can tell stories of his mother from a lifetime ago to his own children.