Timelines & Deadlines...

In this day and age we seriously are lacking in the use of our imaginations, and what"s worse, our children are that way too... if not more so. With so much technology, it is super simplistic in our hectic lives that we are on auto pilot and throw our toddlers in front of the TV to be utilized as our baby sitter for the short time being that we need so that we can actually accomplish something mundane as to start a load of laundry, do some dishes, or even go to the bathroom. Sadly though, I know more and more of us are sitting on iPads, smartphones or catching up on at least 1 DVR's season of ANYTHING we can to feel like we know whats goin "on in the world"... really?.... REALLY??



(facepalm)

ok... so I have been guilty of this too. You are completely full of shit if you say that you haven't done this (Or something pretty darn similar).

In life there seem to be an awful lot of rules. When did we become so selfish and immersed in technology and the "fads"... and dismiss the world around us. Granted... I am a Facebook junkie and I know I spend a lot of time on it. I feel like I am Auto Recording "Life" as it unfolds for a few reasons. None of you except my very best friend and sister, Michele, know that my Mother's parents suffered from Dementia and Alzheimer's. Even though it was my Grandma who went into a nursing home first, it turned out that it was my very proud and very German Grandpa Walter who suffered deeper and closeted it very well while he continued to live at home and go about "Life" as he thought that reality entailed. (Which included trying to break out my Grandma from the Nursing home and bring her back home) I kid to my husband about it all the time... I have that "gene". Be gentle with my mind and if I re-tell a story for the hundredth time, or forget that I have already asked you a question and forgotten the answer. I know that one day I will suffer the same fate as my Grandparents. For years it has already been happening and a lot of it I know is Psychological which I am "blanking on" intentionally as a defense mechanism within my own mind to keep myself from facing certain things which are too painful like... the 2 rapes I have endured. One from someone I knew and the other that bad scenario in a dark parking lot outside a crowded mall and no one did anything about my cries for help. Yeah... a LOT of that I black out and I am just now able to get thru a night without a nightmare. The breast cancer diagnosis of my Mother in 1997, only a month after we buried both my Grandparents who passed from Alzheimer's. The diagnosis again of the fatally aggressive Ovarian Cancer while I was 3 months pregnant. And then her death 2 weeks prior to Chase being born. There are all parts of those events in my life that I have blanked out on intentionally in order to replace it with, "In the Now" memories. Why hold onto the bad shit and harp on it... let it go. The only problem with blocking out the bad is... when there is more of it than "Good" in your life... you miss out on a litany of events like clubbing with your best friend, studying for exams, beach-side moments as a family during the summer, cross country drives at Christmas to the Grandparents house. I have lost a lot of those moments in my life and it is very hard to remember certain things. So yes... back to task here, I am very active on a social networking website documenting LIFE with my son, my husband, the death of my mother, the dealings with loss and hating cancer and all it has destroyed. I use Facebook as a real life Timeline (as everyone still struggles with the Timeline we just switched over to on that site). I know that I won't remember what happened... I fear if I don't document life... I will forget about it... and I want to live to my fullest and enjoy those moments with my son. This is one of the few times I am privileged to be living in this time of technology so that I CAN look back when I need to remember. 

I still am struggling with the passing of my mother and the last year has been very eye opening to say the least. It is still confusing as hell and there are still so many questions left unanswered, but I deal with those emotions as they happen and try to go easy on myself and remind myself that it is a process.... one that no one processes the same way. In this hectic life we live and hurry thru... when did we place a deadline on mourning? A few of my friends recently have gone thru traumatic losses of loved ones leaving them too soon, or tragically taken in accidents. We all handle the stresses of loss and the hole it leaves in different ways. Some clam up, shut down and are withdrawn. Some fall into deep depressions. Some laugh and learn and try to move on. Then there are the masses who in many ways are your savior and downfall in the same breath. (don't take that wrong)

There are friends and family who say, "We are here for you, just call if you need anything" and when you call they flake or don't know how to handle being around you anymore cause you have "changed" (in the sense that you are withdrawn and who knows what to say to someone who is grieving) . But in the same breath out of nowhere comes a card, an email, a simple text that inquires how you are doing even if a good chunk of a year has gone by but wants to check in on your mental health and ask. Cause don't get me wrong... we all have done it... we have offered, been there, offered condolences and then fade in the background cause we feel too much time has passed to bring up the "sad days" and fear that if we do bring them up, it opens us up to "feelings". When did we put such an emphasis on the "Deadline" for mourning being over? 

I hope that people know the difference between caring and being human... and emoting real feelings and giving of your soul as compared to finding a "babysitter" cause we are too busy to handle "Life" as it comes to us... raw and full of hurt and pain... love and light. I don't want to be the one who makes you feel uncomfortable in asking me things... laughing with me is my goal... learning more about humanity while keeping in touch with who you are meant to be. I am still learning that lesson and I change all the time... yet one thing remains constant as I learn... Standing up for myself is important... standing BY someone is even more important. I am lucky enough to have some pretty amazing people who genuinely stand by my side. 

Life is short... feelings and love are free... share them.

I have lessened the TV time on our house and am more involved with Chase... especially now that he is more mobile the playtime is all over the place in our house and we just don't sit still very much. Lots of stories being told and imaginations used... lots of walks outside and exploration around this big world for Chase is eye opening to me too... reminding me to slow down and LIVE. (And if the dishes sit dirty in the sink for 12 hours... so be it. Get to living people!!)

I hope that my life through my posts... my humor... my pictures... I hope they make you smile and artistically give you an eye into my life. I document for me as much as I do for you... in the hopes that I can look back over them in a few years and find myself grinning. Sometimes what I post isn't pretty, life can get that way though... right? I'll try to keep it real... but don't think I won't still post some humor. It's who I am.