Spinning Teacups....

Well, here we are... It's been a very long time since I've written anything. Not because I didn't want to, or didn't have tons of things to write about, just that "life" happened and I've been a little busy (to say the least).

In the past 3+ years I've been raising a little human. Someone who, as a little human, rules my home and my heart. He keeps me smiling, laughing and yes... Although there are times I wanna lock myself in a room and scream in frustration... I look upon his wild eyes and feel the undisputed love spilling from them and I melt and forget any 3 year old drama that has been spewing from him.

Having a child arrive in the world at almost the exact same time as the passing of my mother has been confusing to say the least. I see my son and equate almost every single right of passage or special moment into, "Well, mom missed out on that one" or any birthday with, "Well, it's been exactly 3 years since she died". It's difficult not to put the two side by side because they happened so closely in my life's timeframe. Not all of these are sad or bad recollections... Just a pause of reflection I guess. Will I always do that? Who knows, but I'm guessing yes.

There are days that are better than others. Days when I tell stories about my mom and laugh and laugh and laugh. Or a song comes on the radio and I chuckle cause it's Elvis, and my mom hated him which causes me to crank it just to see if lightning will strike somewhere nearby. Then there are moments, like tonight... Where my mind is thinking about one thing as I'm drifting off to sleep and I have no idea that my mind will completely derail itself and I suddenly and remembering when that phone call came in the early morning hours where I had to say my final I love you's thru the phone. Pregnant, crying, waiting to be told she took her final breath and is gone. Why the sudden derailment in my mind? For fucks sake I was thinking about my shopping list for tomorrow and woke up crying due to the flashback. Ugh....

I don't know if moments like this are when the dearly departed are fucking with us or not. "Hey, she's about to fall asleep.... Let's enter her mind and rouse her for a minute"

(Which now turns into coming downstairs to lay on the couch to blog until the wee hours of the morning because the mind will not shut off thank you very much)

There are times I see my son catch me being distant. Catching me at the very moment I'm thinking about my mom and I can't help but wonder if at that exact moment his intuition is picking up on my mom hanging around somewhere. The kid IS freaking smart and it would not surprise me if he did somehow know when she's around. They do have a crazy connection to begin with.

I start to wonder if these times when I can't turn my mind off, or my mind gets sidetracked when I didn't mean for it to... If they are signs that mom is around. I'm a firm believer in "visits" as she has already proved to be around on a handful of occasions anyway... But when the feeling is so raw, like the moment I got that phone call... Tonight it felt like that call just came. I had the lump in my throat, my chest was heaving, tears stung my eyes and immediately spilled from my eyes like 10 gallons of paint in a 5 gallon bucket. I had to rip the sheets back and get out of bed before my crying woke up my husband. The feeling was so true, so real... Like it just happened. I don't understand how some days can be THAT confusing and painful while others are "normal". Ugh...

It's almost like sitting in those stupid tea cups at Disney... They spin and spin and while the world around you starts to blur... You know that time is moving just the same. Yet you in the cup seem to be sitting still while the world around you spins. Sometimes those cups make you giggle, sometimes they upset your stomach to the point you wanna hurl. Either way, when the ride stops... Time moves on but you are left dizzy and unstable. It always takes a while for you to regain your composure. 

Currently I feel like I wanna hurl... And now I can't get back to sleep. Even if I try to turn my mind off... I'll still think of my mom. Even if I try to think about something else... It'll sneak back in. I just wish I knew what the "message" was so I can get some rest. I do have a three year old to attend to tomorrow.

365 Days Remembered: A Lifetime of Courage

In the grand scheme of things, a year really doesn't seem like a very long distance traveled in time... 365 days can be broken down numberous ways... Four seasons, 12 months or 525,600 minutes...

In those 525,600 minutes... Every 3 minutes someone is diagnosed with breast cancer... And every 13 minutes someone dies from it. 

Roughly 525,600 minutes ago we got the news that one of our cherished ambassadors and pink warriors lost her battle. Bridget Spence had gained her pink wings. A resounding "thud" in all of our hearts was heard nation (and even world) wide as we all gasped and felt the sting of our heartbroken tears as they fell from our eyes.

The day we lost Bridget would be one that marked forever in our hearts a day that hurt our Pink Family to the core. Questions of Faith and God and the elusive cure rang out via social media almost immediately. The swearing hatred of the monster which took away such a vibrant soul. 

After the dust settled and shock and grief faded (some).... Bridget's own words from her last blog entry hit home in a profund way to so many and re-ignited a fire within us all to, "do her proud" and live life with purpose all the while never forgetting her, her story, her courage, her humble ways and her grace.

"So now here we are. We have made it from Halloween, to Thanksgiving, and now we are celebrating Christmas. (The Big Man bought me a gorgeous diamond ring for Christmas!) Even as we celebrate, my year has, yet again, revolved around cancer. But I'm not complaining. I am thanking you. I thank each and every one of you for getting me here. I'm going to ask now for just one more favor.

It is time for me to ask each of you to let me go. It is time to say goodbye.

Over these past six weeks, my ability to breathe has been compromised. Every breath is a struggle. I cough all night and most days. I am exhausted. My mother and brothers have flown in to help.  I'd like to stop working and go enjoy a nice cold drink with my husband on a beach somewhere. I want some time alone with him. Time without doctors appointments and scans, without work, just the two of us. No PI3K pathways. No trials. No hospitals. Just Bridget and her Big Man.

So thank you. Thank you for fighting with me over these past six years. Thank you for hoping with me. Walking every step of the way alongside me. I couldn't have done this without you. I wouldn't still be here if it weren't for each and every one of you and the dollars you have raised in my name.

Please, don't forget about me"

....... We read those words that December and her last words stuck out and created a mantra... 

We stood proud, yet slightly defeated coming to terms that this courageous, beautiful and YOUNG woman was gone.

We laced up our shoes, donned our pearls, raised money, cried, laughed and stood united waging a war against our foe... Just as she would have wanted.

In 365 days we have remembered Bridget Spence in her incredibly moving speeches, coaching roles, news clips, magazine ads for SGK and in her beautiful wedding dress. We have seen her in pale pink clouds as the sun goes down and we have seen her shining brightly in different hues of pearls worn (I think) at every Komen event this past year. We've seen tribute shirts for staff, we've witnessed teams formed honoring her, we've seen pink flowers with each city name written on them beautifully placed on her grave maker... But mostly we've seen honor. 

We are continuing our promise to her... We aren't forgetting her (or sadly, the countless of other lives lost). Her legacy lives on with every breath we take, every step we take, every dollar raised and every new drug or clinical trial that becomes available thanks in part to us NOT forgetting.

Can we measure the pain over loss? No. What we CAN measure is LOVE. And over the past 365 days I've seen more love spawned from a loss than I can believe... And THAT is actually pretty fantastic and deeply moving. A true testament to Bridget and those like her.

In her departure she left us each our own message to figure out for ourselves... Bridget, unknowingly, created her own special ear worm for all of us... In her "Please don't forget about me" statement... She left it up to us to remember and honor her in our own special ways. Her legacy left behind lives in each of us and those we share her incredible journey with. It is up to us to be her continued voice, which I think we a doing pretty well.

Today I noticed the first rays of the morning sun peeking thru my back yards fence into my garden. Brightly lighting up my one single pink rose blossoming. I snapped a few pictures. After I posted them I gasped. There she was, saying hello and flooding my heart with that familiar pain of loss. But with it came a calm... A sense of enlightenment. Like she was simply saying with that beautiful smile we knew.... "I'm here. It's ok. Carry on carrying on and spread the word".

And we will continue carrying on... And we will NEVER forget.

(Notice the pink angel wings below the rose)