Knock knock... is anyone there?
Knock know knock.
Hmmm... I guess not.
Interesting to me... life. When you try your best and feel your worst cause of circumstances around you. Like for instance - my not working. I HATE IT! I deplore the fact that I feel this useless. Never in my life have I not worked. I hate not having the financial stability, the drive and the ability to feel like I am contributing. I feel weak.
I know... I am pregnant. I am dealing with my mother who is 3000 miles away and dealing with stage 3 Ovarian Cancer. I should not be doing anything to stress myself out. But what happens when all I do IS stress out about these things. I do not have the work of a job to keep me busy and keep my mind off of such things. The distraction is always welcomed.
Then there is the "funk" I am in with my social life. I know you all see me, online, laughing and such... but have you noticed I am not really posting about being with anyone - or doing anything? I used to be so much fun (jabbing at myself - I know I still am... but I am trying to make a point). Pregnant or not... I should be more interactive with my friends and I am not. I feel so out of the loop with so many of you that it feels almost fake (sorry - please do not take offense to that - it is this "funk").
I miss hanging out, laughing til my side hurts... and alcohol is not needed for that 99% of the time. I miss hearing stories of any kind. I miss the faces and the hugs.
Oh and I miss football - who I consider a friend too ;)
I think this whole Spring I have been weighing heavily on my mind that my mom may not make it through this bought with cancer and I don't know how to cope. I think I have been active in so many walks and fundraisers and things like that over the past years that I never thought it would hit again, cancer.
Struggling with the fact that over the years I have walked the path that many do... and sometimes alone (which I never am, yet this time for some reason I do feel that way). That over the years I have held out my hand to so many with helpful ideas, words of comfort or gestures of kind and this time when I feel like I should know just about everything... about this disease... I should have the answers... but I don't.
And I don't know what to do about that conundrum or those thoughts.
Here I am almost 7 months pregnant with my first child... Trust me, I am overjoyed. And he will know all about his Grandmother if he doesn't get to meet her or be held my her. He will learn all the things about "PAM". How strong and independent she was in the late 80's after a long divorce. How she sacrificed. How she loved to have dinner parties at our house growing up and how I would dress up and serve the grown ups cause my mom gave me that important job. How she had a good sense of business, a good sense of fashion, how she organized and ran massive fundraising events, (Jr. Saturday Club, Gimbles Day Parade - Later to be the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade, 30 Years as Chairman at the Devon Horse Show) to give back to her community and how she laughed.
There are so many things inside my head about Life. About how we ALL have uttered at many points in our lifetime of how "LIFE" isn't fair.
Isn't it? A gift we are given... and we say it isn't fair. Contradictory to me. Yet I feel that way. We all know that death is a part of life and we just can't face it. When it is THAT close to you and you can't do anything about it. It is like that helpless feeling I get cause I am not working. I feel shitty about it.
Struggling between life (pregnancy) and death (5 out of the 6 people on my mom's cancer team have said Terminal) and the areas in between and how to deal with them while feeling negligent to my close friends.... I just feel lost and have nothing more to say other than I am sorry, I hope you understand.
I seriously could use some fucking coffee... *sigh*
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